Random Ramblings

FB LikeIn earlier days, I unleashed my occasional ponderings on Facebook using the all too inviting “status update” feature. I seldom used it, as I felt no need to announce whatever I was currently doing. Still, it begged to be used. What I eventually did start using it for was all the silly things that came across my mind during every day life, apparently mostly triggered a lot by food (well, I do love food!). Things that shouldn’t come to mind but, to the very nature of my writing, came to mind to me. I thought it to be fun to candidly post these ramblings as my updates and it seems others at the time did too. In the attempt to show readers a little more about me, I figured I would sift through and post my favorites here in (almost) all their unedited, shameless glory. [SPOILERS: I hate saran wrap and have doorway problems]

  • I’m going to invent a new type of plastic wrap… I swear, one day I will… DEATH TO SARAN WRAP! I’ll suffocate it with itself… BECAUSE THAT’S ALL IT STICKS TO!
  • How can something called “Sour Cream” taste so good…?
  • Why can’t they make hot dog buns that are cut evenly? Why is there a rule to have 2/3 on one side, & a 1/3 on the other??? Why can’t it be split 50/50 for a nice EVEN easy to eat meal? Were the 2 guys who invented hot dog buns like one fat & one skinny? And when they discussed how they should cut it they argued until the fat guy apparently won & just ate the skinny… ahhhh forget it its just easier to call it stupid!
  • BJs.com… not a porn site. I would think the site would be BJsWholesale.com. However, Dicks.com… a porn site. DickSportingGoods.com is the real URL.
  • The 3 layers of popcorn: Outer Shell > Endosperm > Germ… Even though the words shell/sperm/germ are involved, somehow I still love it!!!
  • Did anyone ever think we wouldn’t need such “technologically advanced” paper towels if parents stop giving their little kids full open-lid jugs of juice and milk? Not to mention unsupervised. I watch these commercials and I just think… oh really Brawny? I’ll do you one better… POUR YOUR KIDS’ FRICKIN MILK AND JUICE FOR THEM PEOPLE!!!
  • Why do all the cheesy snack foods say “made with real cheese” on the bags…? As opposed to fake cheese? Was there a time where they put this “fake” cheese in the products until people complained? If that cheese is fake in the first place, doesn’t that just make it… not cheese? I mean, do people sit there and go “ohhh good! this snack is made with REAL cheese! It just wouldn’t be good if it was not real cheese!” So a cheese puff made with fake cheese is just a… puff. I know what you’re saying, “but Jon, it says CHEESE puff. Its just fake  cheese!” No my friend, if you’re an alive person, but faking the being alive part, then you’re just either dead or a robot. Kraft’s company policy – “our cheese is made from REAL cows!”
  • So I was cooking breakfast this morning and I noticed a spider died next to but nearly under the microwave on the side. It was standing upright and everything so I wondered if the small amount of radiation when used killed it quickly when it went under. I then wondered if I stuck its fangs in me if I would turn into spiderman… 😮
  • On the back of the Doritos Bag it says “Its the only snack bold enough to call itself Doritos”… well duh, no one wants to get sued 😮 You sure are full of yourself Frito-Lay… but I love you :-*
  • Growing up, my dad always told me to eat my veggies because “it will put hair on your chest!” But why is it I have twice as much hair on one side of my chest than the other!? Is it because I only ever ate HALF my veggies??? Either way, let this be a lesson to ya kiddies! Half your veggies = half a manly chest…
  • Is it bad when your cat has a better routine than you?
  • So I finished my breakfast of an egg and cheese w/bacon on toast this morning and found myself in a dilemma… I had a small scrap of toast left with a bit of egg still stuck well into the grooves. I always throw my scraps out to the birds, but the question was, do I scratch the bit of egg off first, or just throw it out altogether???
  • So I was making popcorn & thought “hmm, I’ll have some chips while I wait for it to finish” Then I realized how absolutely silly I am having a snack before my snack!
  • I swear, “you cant have your cake and eat it too” is the worse expression ever… to me, eating your cake IS having it!
  • I have an honest question… if goldfish crackers were frowning instead of smiling, could you eat them with a clear conscious? Could ya???
  • I’m wondering why they have no scented candles like… cheeseburger… or roasted turkey, or even filet mignon! No really… people would eat that up!
  • So then he said to me… Whats better, a withholding fart or sex? So I told him… depends who the girl is. Sometimes nothing feels better than getting that one out…
  • Alpo (yes the dog food) looks, and smells DELICIOUS!!! No, really…
  • Now that Honey Bunches of Oats have their “Just Bunches!” I want all the chip companies to create “Just Folds” where the entire bag is nothing but those lovable random folds of layered chippy awesomeness! Too many are in a bag for it to coincidentally happen, I know they can PURPOSELY make it happen! So how bout it Lays? Wise? DORITOS!? Since your the only chip so called “bold enough to call yourself Doritos”… why don’t you prove it and try it out. Be bolder!
  • I have a new beef w/ saran wrap… I’ve shown well enough my personal vendetta against it & how I wish it to be destroyed by self strangulation. But whats worse than saran wrap? Saran wrap w/ static cling!!! What does static cling stick things to? PEOPLE! You might as well call it the roll of death. It wont stick to your tupperware yet if you happen to get some on your skin or god forbid your face it turns to superglue.
  • On Wipeout, if you have time to hold your nose before hitting the water then you’re not trying hard enough.
  • I think if we bribed all the terrorist organizations with Hot Pockets, the world would be a safer place.
  • I think a class on Boy Meets World needs to be implemented into every school… Four days a week you watch an episode and then discuss the importance of the themes and teachings of the episode after. You take a test on the 5th day about everything you have learned the previous 4 days and how you can apply it into your current lives.
  • Perhaps Twitter was only made so people could hit on celebrities and pretend the celebrity just didn’t see their tweets when in fact they are ignoring you, yet retain bragging rights.
  • Vanilla would be so much better if it had chocolate in it.
  • How can parents hate if their teens watch horror movies? It teaches if you don’t engage in less than thought out sex and listen to your parents, you won’t die.
  • Science trumps the Force to create a real-life lightsaber
    One day I want to see mini lightsaber knives to cut my steak or cheese with. The day after that I want a bigger one to cut those who want to use them to cut others which results in their banning, ruining the fun for everyone.
  • Why is it almost every time I try to spread jelly or cheese on a cracker, it crumbles before me? Am I that intimidating or dreadful looking? They don’t make crackers like they used to…
  • Having spiders and them making webs in the unobserved corners of your house is an expected unspoken truce by them. You allow them to stay and they will capture all the other crawlies and flylies that dare to enter. Sometimes, they earn their keep!
  • Does anyone else constantly knock their arms into doorknobs or am I the only one with this assumingly rare condition? I’m going to have to name it after me if not. Like Jonknobitis (jonk would be silent) or something.
  • They should rename yard sticks in America to reacher sticks. Does anyone ever use them for anything other than getting stuff that fell under appliances in kitchens?
  • Mocking Birds: the dicks of avian society.
  • Why the hell can’t they ever wait for commercials to put alert information on channels?? Every. Damn. Time.
  • I’d imagine in the Star Wars world, telemarketers, debt collectors and Jehovah witnesses would hang out in Mos Eisley spaceport.
  • Red, Green & Blue are slutty hermaphrodites who gave birth to crazy incestrial children. These are facts.
  • Whenever I can’t sleep because I’m thinking about too many things, I imagine my mind being like that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where Indiana Jones tries to replace the artifact with another item, hoping to safely deactivate the trigger for the trap, only to then cause something else that’s worse that literally snowballs after you for awhile until you are just out of reach and far enough to be safe… like 2-3 hours later.
  • In case I’m ever in a situation where I’m being forced to say/do something to someone and I’m being watched where if I don’t do what they say they will do something drastic, I will let you know with the phrase “Man, I could really go for a cinnamon bun right now”. If you understand, reply with “You really love your cinnamon buns, don’t you?” and immediately call for help after. I’m prepared, how about you?
  • I’m spending Earth day by NOT mowing the lawn, like I originally intended today. Yea, that’s the reason… not because I’m procrastinating. I’m just respecting the earth by not chopping it down one blade of a grass at a time. 😉
  • I propose a scratch n sniff ‘before/after” sticker on all bathroom air freshener sprays. There are 2 sides to the smell and more often then not when used after, it just blends together to create a new more intense stank cocktail. Things like ‘Clean Linen’ smells like skid marks on a fresh pair and ‘Hawaiian’ scent smells like rotten fruit (plus crap). GetRDoneMerica!
  • I propose a new torture method… make the person starve for a few days. Then, microwave a hot pocket in front of them and make them eat it within 30 seconds of it finishing cooking. If they don’t, they starve. Rinse and repeat… Either they tell you what they know, starve or be burned so bad they couldn’t even tell you if they wanted to. They will all crack eventually…
  • When everyone gains weight over the holidays at the same time, it’s not an obesity epidemic… it’s inflation.
  • (Thanksgiving) I’m thankful for toilets. They are a very underappreciated marvel of engineering that are often treated piss poor and take a lot of crap, as we continue our human tendency to watercolor and paint ‘stucco’ all things white. Let me be one (and probably only) to give them this moment (sometimes several more) to shine in all its porcelain glory… *flush*
  • Gotta wonder when you walk to the deli counter in a supermarket, and see “3 Star Ham” by a brand for sale… is it out of 4 stars? 5 stars? Either way apparently it’s good, but not that good… Way to market Kohler… that’s sure to stick it to Boar’s Head or Dietz & Watson…
  • I like to prey on those young little grapes you always find in each bunch… does that make me a carnivore, or rather a herbivore, or a pedophile…
  • One day doorways… I will overcome you. One day I’ll live free of doorknob arm bruises and molding shoulder scrapes. Today was NOT that day (definitely wasn’t yesterday either) but eventually… watch yourself, because regardless I’m coming through! 😛
  • Titanic 3D – Where you can feel the hypothermia and see the people falling off the ship to their deaths is happening RIGHT in front of you!
  • I think McDonald’s and Apple should merge companies, that way they can be the undisputed champions of lazy successful marketing. Then you can eat at places like IMcDonalds, or use things like the McIphone. Or use your McIpad to order food for pickup with the new McIordercuzIMchungry APP. Catchy, right? Of course it is!
  • The only time buying condoms at a grocery store is not judged, is very late at night. Like when you just want to go in and buy something stupid that you’re craving like soda or snacks… if you leave it at that, people are gonna be like “he came in here at 11 just for THAT!? I’m working this late so people can have their late night fricken’ frito fix?!?“ It’s like you gotta throw condoms in there just to make them think ”ah, I made someone happy tonight by working these late hours“ so you don’t look stupid! ALL I WANT IS A DAMN MOUNTAIN DEW AT 11 AT NIGHT! DON’T JUDGE ME!!
  • Does the Trix rabbit have some kind of Sonny the Cuckoo “Cocoa Puffs” past that we don’t know about that explains why he’s not allowed to eat his OWN cereal???
  • Sleeping bores me… However not enough to put me to sleep. Go figure 😛
  • Test: How many of you are reading this in the bathroom…?

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